Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
