i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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