dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
