Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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