There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
