i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
