ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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