It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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