theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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