sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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