i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just gift wrapped bread.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
