barbara walters just said penis...
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
