Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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