All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
