I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Too much gin, very little bucket
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
