the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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