Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize