went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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