I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
