So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
