our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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