I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
