Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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