I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
