I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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