I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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