OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The ass gains better be worth it
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