I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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