I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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