i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
