Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
