What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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