insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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