i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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