i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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