Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Boobs speak an international language.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
