Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
