Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
