he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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