Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
