Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
