I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
