So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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