i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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