He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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