Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
