He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
