i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
