So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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