I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
