since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
