he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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