News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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