i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
