somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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