I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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