what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
me + whiskey = a bad person
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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