All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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