there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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