so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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