These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
