He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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