Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
