My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
