No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
