Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
