i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
