Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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