There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
