last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
