The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
