The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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