I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
