8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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